My big fat story

I've always been "fat"...as long as I can remember. I have a poor long term memory, but I can't even remember seeing a pants label under the size 14.  I use the word "fat" in quotation marks there because I don't believe I was fat then.  I was healthy.  But I was still called fat.  By people at school...even family at home. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see fat.  I didn't FEEL fat.  But yet, all around me people called me that word.  I played volleyball & basketball, I was active. Yet that word still was hurled my way on a regular basis. I know you've heard before the theory that if you're called something long enough, you start to believe it to be true.  Well, I fell into that trap. I started fad diets, counting calories...nothing worked.

Fast forward many years later-not being as active, depression and emotional eating.  I'm definitely an emotional eater. I eat to celebrate the good times, I eat because I'm depressed about the bad. Instead of finding other ways to deal with my emotions, I've always eaten them.

And for years now I have hidden behind my fat. I've used it as an excuse not to make friends (nobody wants to be friends with the fat girl) and as an excuse not to get involved in activities.  But it's time for a change.  I'm making a promise to myself to stop hiding behind my fat and to get healthy.  I'm not doing this to conform to society's view of what's "beautiful" or "not fat".  I don't have any desire to be the skinny girl and I don't think that I'm made to be that way.  I want to be healthy. For me, and for my son. I want to be able to run around in the park with him w/out running out of breath. I want to live a long and healthy life without weight related health complications.

I started this blog to keep me accountable. I'm motivated to make this change, but I know I will be tempted to fall back into my old ways. I'm not a good writer, so bear with me.  And I plan to be very open and personal on this blog as I somewhat did already.  I know I can't make it on this road alone, so any words of encouragement or even criticism are welcome.  I'll be updating along my journey of "losing" and trying to gain a better me along the way.